I like to think that in general, I’m a very patient person. I like to think this, but alas, this is not always the case. Sometimes, in certain situations, I will be the most patient person you will ever have the fortune to meet. However, the other 99% of the time I have zero patience, for anything. If I want something, I want it NOW. I’ve always known this is a bit of a character flaw, shall we say, but I also like to remain in denial, and in my head, I can wait an eternity for something without even the slightest hint of frustration.
This isn’t something I think of very much, but having written the DNF’ing in life post the other day, this aspect of ‘being patient’ has crept up into my mind. Something else that can cause me angst is that I get annoyed with myself if I’m not really good at something. This is really quite ironic, as I’ve never been perfect at anything in my life, but subconsciously I have this expectation that I’ll always succeed, so when I don’t succeed at something, it really grates.
So when you add together an utter lack of patience, and a burning desire to be perfect, well, it isn’t going to end well. Unless of course you are someone who excels at everything and does so with grace, humility and the patience of a Saint (in which case I hate you).
Having a random scroll through pusbook earlier (i.e. ‘Facebook’ for those less Scottish), I happened upon a video where a woman who has lost almost 100lb in weight, was answering the question of ‘how long does it take to lose weight’. In concert, having recently been scrolling through my new addiction – Instagram (oh how I love you!) – and seeing countless pictures of before-and-afters of people having lost a veritable limb’s worth in record time, I was sure the video was going to tell me I’d lose lots of weight quickly and YAY I can rejoice and all will be well with the world.
Newsflash: this was not the answer. In fact, THERE IS NO ANSWER! <insert anguished face emoji>.
Argggg, godammit!!!! However, I kept watching and you know what, listening to someone say that they were not one of those people who lost nearly 100lb in a few weeks, when it took a couple of years, was actually…..freeing! I’ve raced from one diet to the next my whole life, and I can honestly say the only way of eating that has worked for me is low carb eating. I think the reason for this is that basically it cuts out processed food, and therefore crap sweet foods, which are my utter downfall. The reason I’ve not sustained it (yet), is that I get so impatient and want to be perfect, so if I have a bad day, I’ve RUINED IT ALL AARGGGGGGGGGGGGG, and now I need to start again, and suddenly a bad day becomes a bad (twelve) month(s). I WANT to be perfect (but I’m not, no-one is), and I WANT it to happen instantly (but it won’t). So fucking hell, WHY have I been stressing about this for so long, and thinking that i’ve DNF’d the one thing I really want in life?
Fundamentally, it comes down to my ‘why?’, my reason for wanting to lose weight. I just want to give myself the best shot at living as long and healthy a life as possible, so that I can really take part in life. I do take part now, but I know my weight stops me from doing everything that I want to. THAT is why it’s important to me.
When I think of my reasons why, and I recognise that it could take years to lose (it’s taken years to go on!), and that I’ll never be perfect, but I can keep making progress, all I feel is……freedom. Freedom from the stress of being what I know I’m not, and freedom to just slowly get on with being who I am, and who I want to be.
Progress, not perfection. I’ll get there 🙂