It’s been a week since I found out i’m pre-diabetic, and i’ve done a lot of reading up on the subject since then. My chat with the practice nurse about the result was disappointing: ‘just watch your sugars and carbs’ was the sum total of the advice. Now I could have asked more but didn’t, because I feel like I’m well aware of the dangers of diabetes and I know what sugars and carbs are, but god help anyone that doesn’t. It seems crazy considering the amount of money that the NHS must spend on treating the impact of diabetes that the advice given is so scant. I was hoping i’d be told in no uncertain terms how bad it could be if I don’t make significant changes, but at least I know this myself. I also know the service is creaking at the seams due to lack of funding etc. etc. so in that sense it’s understandable that the attention is probably put on those who are diabetic. Anyway, I have the knowledge to manage it myself, so I shall.

This week I really feel like i’ve reached a crossroads of no return. I’ve been overweight my entire life, and I have always known it isn’t healthy. My weight has crept up over those years, and while i’ve had some successes at losing weight, the weight has always crept back on, and just increased and increased. So the no return element is really about the fact that despite having the knowledge, i’ve never had an irrefutable medical reason to make changes, and now I have. But even then, what scares me is the thought that this might not be enough to make me change. Food addiction is something which is still not fully understood or medically recognised, but feels very real to those suffering from it. I’m aware of work going on by doctors across the UK, USA and Europe to try and classify it, and there’s still a lot of contention around the subject, from those who don’t agree it exists including ‘Big Food’, i.e. the main food manufacturers who produce all the ultra-processed foods so many of us are addicted to, knowingly or not. The scary thing is, having knowledge about what is a UPF or not isn’t enough. You can’t think your way out of addictions. Feeling addicted to something that we cannot live without (food) feels very shameful, as does being so overweight. Being addicted to drugs or alcohol is more understandable, because inherently everyone knows they are damaging to health. You don’t really hear people telling alcoholics or drug addicts to moderate their use, but you hear it all the time with food. Then you have the multitude of ways of eating: vegan, vegetarian, low fat, high fat, low carb, high carb, high protein, carnivore, pescatarian and on and on and on. Everyone has an opinion, and you can find scientific evidence to support just about every single one of those opinions too. So what is actually the best nutrition for health? Sometimes the noise around the issue is just too much, and when you add being peri-menopausal into the mix, which flips everything on its head, it’s enough to make you scream.

So where do I go from here? All I know for myself is that moderation is the worst option for me, and if I am not completely abstinent from foods I find addictive, then nothing will change, ever. What scares me is that when you’ve used those foods as a crutch your whole life, turning that on its head is going to be really tough. The whole fabric of my life will need to change which is scary, because it’s a leap into the unknown. In fact it will be probably be the toughest thing i’ve ever done, and I can’t guarantee i’ll be successful. I’m not a massive fan of failure (who is?!), and when I got a 2.2. in my degree, I was so gutted I did a Masters to prove I could do better. Since then i’ve got another post-grad diploma, a couple of massage qualifications and i’m in the process of studying for another undergrad in Art History. But for me that’s my easy go-to now, as I love learning and I know I can do pretty well at whatever I try my hand at. Sounds massively arrogant, and maybe it is, but I turned what I saw as a failure back in the 90s into a success, and I keep trying to be successful at learning, primarily because I love it, but secondly because I can. Learning and education for me is now easy, (or maybe I should say possible, as it can still be very hard/difficult work), but sorting out my relationship with food is a million times harder than any degree, and it’s probably why I haven’t got there yet. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, it’s really not for sympathy, but perhaps it is just as a means of acknowledging to myself that it’s okay to suck at something, and to show myself that I can suck at things and then turn them around.

The other annoying thing is that I have absolutely no patience when it comes to waiting for things I want, but it’s going to take a while to sort this out, and i’m just going to have to deal with that. As they say, if you walk 10 miles into the centre of a forest, you can’t walk back out in a mile. Annoyingly.

As i’m getting going on this behemoth of a challenge, i’m giving myself a month to get through the worst of the cravings and what not from completely quitting the sugar and carbs. I hope the worst of it lasts for less time, but who knows. I’m on day 869 of no alcohol which feels easy in comparison, but i’m just taking it one day at a time. There will be slips and failures, but I’m hoping in a month i’ll have some positive progress to report, however small. I’ll write an update in September. Fingers crossed it’s more upbeat than this, ha! Thanks for reading.