Change

Autumn Road Fallen Leaves Nature Trees Desktop Images

I’ve not written for a while; it’s been a stressful few weeks if I’m honest.  A dear friend lost his fight against the bastard that is cancer, but this isn’t really the place to talk about that, well not right now at least.  Too much to say, but not enough words at the moment.

Life otherwise has been more stressful that it’s felt for a long time, both through the sheer number of things all happening at once, and the level of responsibility that has come alongside.  Work is good but busy, and I’ve been feeling the weight of responsibility of doing a good job to ensure a project goes in on time.  I’ve been enjoying the course I’m currently studying, but completing a group project with 3 others when we were on 4 time zones was somewhat of a challenge.  There are some other things i’m involved in which I love being a part of, but again i’m now feeling that extra weight of responsibility on my shoulders.  I’m not usually someone who succumbs to stress, but i’ve felt it a lot the last few weeks.  But still, it isn’t that it’s all negative.  In fact other than losing Nicko, everything else has gone really well, so it has been an odd mixture of sadness, success and stress.  The biggest impact is just a lack of decent sleep for a few weeks, I find my mind has been racing all the time and especially at night.

That’s all slowly calming down a bit, and I’d say life is regaining some semblance of normality.  At the same time though, things feel different somehow.  Not in a bad way at all, actually it feels positive, as if a big change is on the horizon.  I’m not sure if anyone else ever feels this, but every few years or so, I get fairly constant feelings of deja vu for a few weeks, and also I get these kind of premonitions, not about anything big, just little things.  It’s so strange I can’t really describe it, but it kind of feels like some aspects of life are being cleaved off, leaving the way for new growth.  I guess it’s quite ironic it feels like this during Autumn, the very season that teaches us that letting go is the only way to move forward.  I’ve had this a few times before, usually it signals change, and a chance to just keep moving forward, but with less baggage than before, and a fresher focus.  In many ways nothing has changed on the surface, but internally it feels like it’s time for a fresh start.  Maybe it’s because my birthday is coming up too, albeit not a significant one.

I’ve been refocusing on debt repayment and eating better again, even if the eating has been a bit up and down.  The stress of the past few weeks would normally have sent me off the rails food wise, but actually it wasn’t too bad.  I think I’ve finally learned it doesn’t help.  I feel better for all the weight i’ve lost, but determined to keep going with that and get rid of the rest of the excess.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the past, partly with nostalgia, but also with a little curiosity.  One thing i’ve been thinking about: when does something become ‘in the past’? Now obviously I know the dinner I ate earlier was in the past, but why is it somethings that happen in life we think of a lot, and form part of our daily lives, but others are somehow consigned to this area of our lives that is distinctively in the past, as if it was a lifetime ago?  None of this probably makes sense; this is definitely just a rambling post!  Anyway, it feels as though everything is now being consigned to ‘in the past’, as if a clearer future lies ahead.

If you’ve got this far, well done.  Maybe you can figure out what the hell I’m trying to say, as i’m not sure I know, haha!  Maybe I can just sum it up by saying life is busy (which I prefer), and although sometimes it can be cruel and sad, I find there are always happy memories to look back on, and if you’re open to it, a brighter future to look forward to.

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